Yesterday I began to write a post, about how the cats and I came to be the family that we are. I had to stop, as I had a full day of bookstore-working to do, and Sundays are always busy, so there was not time for the tom-foolery of blogging. By the time I got home, I felt drained and defeated by the day, so much so that the only thing left to do was to eat leftovers while knitting and watching the X-files.
I don't know when I will get around to it now, maybe on Wednesday. I don't know if I even feel up to it. Obviously, I am sad. It seems now that I handle my sadness by getting angry instead. In the case of when me and my ex split up, that method worked wonders, or so I believed, in helping me work through the pain I was going through(along with bourbon. bourbon always helps) Anger can be a productive and useful emotion when channeled properly, as can sadness, but for so long I had a hard time channeling sadness into anything other than MORE sadness, so this diversion tactic I have created for myself has protected fairly well over the past ten years or so of my life. Unfortunately, it can't help me now. I can't be angry that my cats are getting old, I can't be angry that Roo is sick. Who am I supposed to be angry AT? Who is to blame? No one, nothing. So this sadness I am feeling, it's turning into anger, and without anywhere to properly aim it, it ends up spewing out all over. I can't be nice. I don't want to make small talk. I don't want to smile, or hear a joke, or listen to you tell me that everything is going to be okay and eventually she will be in a better place, we all will. You don't think I know that? Do you think I am an idiot? Because you better fucking believe that I am NOT. I know what's up. But just because I know does not mean I am not totally and completely heartbroken over this. It's just that I still need to get through the day-to-day: get up, go to work, pay the bills, be a grown up. I can't stay home and cry for a week (even though I might, I do have vacation days...) or drink myself into oblivion (I am doing my fair share, a slight variation on this). oh I KNOW there are so many other worse things happening in the world RIGHT at this very moment, but this is what I am dealing with in my life. And I must keep on keeping on. Thus, my bitch face will be ready at all times to deflect pleasant conversation. Move along, nothing to see here.
If only I could be a troll living alone. In a cave. In the woods
Blah blah blah blah.
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