Yesterday it appeared when I realized that we had left behind a bag at the grocery store. It was a bag of the fancy organic shampoos & conditioners & tea tree oil wipes that I love which were HALF-OFF at the regular grocery store because people in Quincy like to wash their hair with chemicals that smell like teenage girl deodorant. I was psyched, cause I was out of conditioner, and the last time I bought shampoo & conditioner I spent more money that I felt was right. It's not that I don't believe in treating myself once in awhile, but I work in a bookstore. I am not made of money. And I spend more money on Kiki's prescription food that I do my own food, so sacrifices must be made, especially with the forthcoming baby.
I went to take a shower before bed last night (at approximately 8:15 pm - I stayed up late since I don't have to work today. Get wild!) and I remembered the conditioner. I went to find the bag. It was nowhere. Trever had put the groceries away the night before. He had no idea, didn't remember seeing it. He checked the car. Twice. It wasn't there. He had been playing video games with headphones on when I realized it was missing, which I think sent the rage into over drive. I was VERY UPSET. I don't want to waste our money. And I couldn't understand how we just lost it. We went through the self checkout. We put all the groceries in the back of the volvo. We just left an entire bag behind? HOW DID WE DO THAT? WHAT THE F U C K? Yup. The rage took over. I was trying to stay calm. Really, I was. In the middle of crying and getting upset, while Trever was looking in the car, I picked up a pair of scissors off the bed from an earlier mending project, and the two clementines that had been in my bag, left over from our morning trip to the movies, in order to clear off the bed so I could get in it. He walked back inside and the look on his face was that sort of why-are-you-upset-it's-not-really-a-big-deal-you-are-acting-like-a-crazy-lady-look which basically just sent me right over the edge. I don't remember what he said next, but I definitely threw a pair of scissors across the kitchen (not AT him, he was in the other room) and threw a clementine at the floor with such force that it exploded. Then I shut myself in the bathroom to cry.
HORMONES ARE SO FUN.
He went back to the store. We must have left the bag behind cause he went to the clearance bin and it was all back in there. I had bought three of the five containers of the tea tree oil wipes, and there they were, right next to the grapefruit & geranium shampoo. I texted him not to rebuy it, out of principle, but he insisted. I told him how I felt he was dismissive of my feelings and he apologized for that. Then I went to bed.
This morning I got up early to feed Kiki. My slipper got stuck on the something on the kitchen floor. A little while later I made coffee. Trever came in to get some and I asked him what spilled on the floor last night. He reminded me that it was the clementine I smashed. He didn't clean it up last night, was going to do it today, but I felt embarrassed and stupid so I cleaned it up right away.
The point of all of this rambling? A reminder to myself, I suppose. I don't need to freak out and throw scissors and smash fruit. I don't want to be that person. I have a very distinct memory of my mother slamming kitchen cabinet doors so hard that plates fell on the floor. If I need to vent or feel the rage, I can alway sit in the car with the windows rolled up and scream at the top of my lungs. Or I can watch an episode of SVU, that usually helps. Or those tricks my therapist taught me so long ago that I have shoved in a corner closet of my mind. I supposed I could also channel the rage into lyrics for future rap songs. I can still filthy rap if I have a baby, right?
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
A few days after the last post.
We got some big news over here. It turns out that my lady pieces are not as defective as I thought. I won't just be a cat mom anymore... THOUGH I WILL ALWAYS BE A CAT MOM, FOREVER AND EVER. (furever? ugh) This has been life changing news. I guess it usually is... but you see, I had gotten to the point where I was perfectly comfortable with the idea of never having kids. In fact, I liked the idea of it. So this all came as quite a surprise, and not a totally pleasant one. I am being honest here. I know lots of ladies are all OMG BABIEZ or MY LIFE MEANT NOTHING BEFORE MY BB WAS BORN but that's not me. I liked what we had and how things were going, so this has all taken a little while to sink in, just as it took me a little while to get comfortable with the idea of it possibly never happening.
Trever, on the other hand, is beyond thrilled. I think he's been waiting his whole life to be a dad, whether he knows it or not. When we went we had our twelve week ultrasound and saw our little hitchcock alien spawn moving around inside of me, he was crying and smiling, and all I could say was "This is like science fiction."
Now that I am 18 weeks into this.. experiment, the idea has grown on me as it grows in me and my body grows around me. I am, of course, uncomfortable in my body. My butt is getting huge, my boobs are way too big (I bought three new bras which fit for a couple weeks, and now I need new ones again) and the heartburn is killing me. Lucky for me I had acid reflux and a bad back and bunions BEFORE getting pregnant, so I guess at least I am used to these terrible pains that are with me non-stop. Besides all the physical discomfort, and the logistics that go into having a baby (we will have to move, we have no money, what will I do about work, etc etc etc), I do think that we will be excellent parents, even if I sometimes come off like a cold-hearted bitch.
I think the fact that we really enjoy each other's company and love each other will help us to be good parents. Also we have seen lots of examples of what NOT to do. And let's not forget all those episodes of Nanny 911 I have watched over the years. I GOT THIS. Not to mention, we are both cool as fuck, so it's going to be rad to impart all of our knowledge and awesomeness on the tiny person we made. (Am I supposed to stop swearing? Sorry, that will probably never happen.)
His giant Brady Bunch family is all very excited for us, as is my tiny family. My friends have been wonderfully supportive and don't mind that I never do anything fun anymore. I go to bed at seven o'clock now, since working retail during the holidays and being four months pregnant are a terrible combination (go figure) so I don't see anyone anymore, other than Trever and Kiki.
SPEAKING OF KIKI, she is doing well. We did not get a kitten, though it's still a big possibility. Part of the hesitation now is that we will need to move in the next couple of months, so it doesn't make a lot of sense to get one now... or does it? It seems like a lot of trauma for her to adjust. A new kitten, a new home, and a baby? But then we think if we get a kitten now, they can bond, and she will a friend to go through it all with. I am still keeping my eye out on craigslist for free kittens, and hoping that I will see one and I will just know that we need it. That's only happened once so far and the person never emailed me back so clearly it wasn't meant to be.
I think Kiki knows that something is up. She is smart. She isn't doing anything weird yet, like peeing in corners, but she did ignore me for a couple weeks when we first found out. She sometimes will sit on my lap, which is not normal for her. And since we got her new treats for christmas she is being extra annoying about staring at you and meowing every time you step into the kitchen. We can fill her bowl and she will ignore it. Why have delicious EXPENSIVE cat food when you can just swallow treats whole? KIKI, THEY DON'T CLEAN YOUR TEETH IF YOU DON'T FUCKING CHEW THEM, YOU KNOW.
Anyways.. I guess that's all, for now. Trever just made us tacos, so I am going to stuff my face and sit awkwardly on the couch with pillows shoved behind my back. I plan to write in this more often, which will be much easier now that I have a new-to-me laptop (christmas gift from the best dude I know) and I will also start scanning the years' worth of polaroids that I've accumulated and done nothing with. This means that Collecting Time will be updated in 2013, so do check back if you enjoy photos of cats, branches, bricks, shadows, and empty places.
BYE.
Trever, on the other hand, is beyond thrilled. I think he's been waiting his whole life to be a dad, whether he knows it or not. When we went we had our twelve week ultrasound and saw our little hitchcock alien spawn moving around inside of me, he was crying and smiling, and all I could say was "This is like science fiction."
Now that I am 18 weeks into this.. experiment, the idea has grown on me as it grows in me and my body grows around me. I am, of course, uncomfortable in my body. My butt is getting huge, my boobs are way too big (I bought three new bras which fit for a couple weeks, and now I need new ones again) and the heartburn is killing me. Lucky for me I had acid reflux and a bad back and bunions BEFORE getting pregnant, so I guess at least I am used to these terrible pains that are with me non-stop. Besides all the physical discomfort, and the logistics that go into having a baby (we will have to move, we have no money, what will I do about work, etc etc etc), I do think that we will be excellent parents, even if I sometimes come off like a cold-hearted bitch.
I think the fact that we really enjoy each other's company and love each other will help us to be good parents. Also we have seen lots of examples of what NOT to do. And let's not forget all those episodes of Nanny 911 I have watched over the years. I GOT THIS. Not to mention, we are both cool as fuck, so it's going to be rad to impart all of our knowledge and awesomeness on the tiny person we made. (Am I supposed to stop swearing? Sorry, that will probably never happen.)
His giant Brady Bunch family is all very excited for us, as is my tiny family. My friends have been wonderfully supportive and don't mind that I never do anything fun anymore. I go to bed at seven o'clock now, since working retail during the holidays and being four months pregnant are a terrible combination (go figure) so I don't see anyone anymore, other than Trever and Kiki.
SPEAKING OF KIKI, she is doing well. We did not get a kitten, though it's still a big possibility. Part of the hesitation now is that we will need to move in the next couple of months, so it doesn't make a lot of sense to get one now... or does it? It seems like a lot of trauma for her to adjust. A new kitten, a new home, and a baby? But then we think if we get a kitten now, they can bond, and she will a friend to go through it all with. I am still keeping my eye out on craigslist for free kittens, and hoping that I will see one and I will just know that we need it. That's only happened once so far and the person never emailed me back so clearly it wasn't meant to be.
I think Kiki knows that something is up. She is smart. She isn't doing anything weird yet, like peeing in corners, but she did ignore me for a couple weeks when we first found out. She sometimes will sit on my lap, which is not normal for her. And since we got her new treats for christmas she is being extra annoying about staring at you and meowing every time you step into the kitchen. We can fill her bowl and she will ignore it. Why have delicious EXPENSIVE cat food when you can just swallow treats whole? KIKI, THEY DON'T CLEAN YOUR TEETH IF YOU DON'T FUCKING CHEW THEM, YOU KNOW.
Anyways.. I guess that's all, for now. Trever just made us tacos, so I am going to stuff my face and sit awkwardly on the couch with pillows shoved behind my back. I plan to write in this more often, which will be much easier now that I have a new-to-me laptop (christmas gift from the best dude I know) and I will also start scanning the years' worth of polaroids that I've accumulated and done nothing with. This means that Collecting Time will be updated in 2013, so do check back if you enjoy photos of cats, branches, bricks, shadows, and empty places.
BYE.
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