Ah Yes. Okay.

My period came today, a few days early.

And then I read this.


Promptly after reading that, I ordered some of these.

RELEVANT

one of those days

Everything feels wrong. The weather, the porch, our neighborhood, my job, my hair, I could go on and on. Mostly it's hormonal. But not all of it. There is an air of truth to some of my shitty feelings, and I have been trying hard to ignore them, but today it all snuck up on me, set off by a folding beach chair and a certified letter. A bit relief was found at the library. It's across the street from the post office, and I had never ventured in until today. It made sense, as I walked all the way to post office (not a quick walk, but I was carless today, so...) for basically NOTHING, and it started sprinkling, so I figured WHY NOT. A quiet library when you are crazy and ranting to yourself for twenty minutes seems like a good place to calm down. I got a library card, roamed the stacks, and eventually found an armchair in a corner by a window, and went into the words. It was the bright spot of this otherwise dreary and irritating day. I took three books out. One for me, one for us, and one for him. It's a really a nice library, and I plan on spending more time there.

There is not much else to say without this turning into a WOE IS ME post, so I guess that means it's time for bourbon.

Oh, Roo just woke up from her nap, locked eyes with me, gave out a tiny meow and then started purring. And now she is back to sleep. I need to remember moments like these.

recapped.

Yesterday was a bust in some ways and awesome in other ways.

We made back our money, and a $2 profit. Um. Yeah. Then my mom bought three things from me, of course, which was nice of her, especially because she picked three of the pricier things, including these really awesome old leather clogs that were pretty much perfect except for the fact that they are a half size too small for ME, which means they fit her. (My mom paid me with a check.)

I got a lot of compliments on my booth. People took my card. (My friend Jenny stayed with us for the afternoon. She keep handing the card to people. She is a pusher.) I got a few "Oh you sell on Etsy!" and my response was always "There isn't much in my shop but right now BUT THERE WILL BE" which means I have to actually get off my ass and get.shit.done.

I had a $12 beer.

We bought a sweet little starburst vase and a set of two little glasses (perfect for whiskey) from the girl who was right next to us. It was a slow day for everyone, thanks to it being the first cool and rainy day after a week of gorgeous weather, but I still enjoyed the whole process. It was nice to talk to other people who want to do the same things as I do, and the people are ARE doing it and finding success.

All in all, it was an eye-opening experience, and now I will be better prepared for the next one in April. Even though I didn't sell much, the whole day felt satisfying to me in a way that I haven't really felt before, and I need to hang on to that feeling, to remember what it is I enjoy doing.

Oh and after we got home and unloaded the car, we went out for oystes. Three dozen, to be exact. T'was a good evening, for sure.

Today, Tonight. Tomorrow.

Today: started off with a french toast breakfast while watching X-Files and then lots of ironing until Judy came over to help make tags for the flea market. Proceeded with cutting, gluing, ironing, and chatting. Homemade pizza by the fella for the dinner.

Tonight: a whirlwind mad dash of attaching tags, last minute pricing and washing, and then the task of packing it all up into a manageable mountain, which will (hopefully) all fit in the back of a volvo. Beers consumed, no doubt about that, and at the end of twelve hours of work, exhaustion sets in.

Tomorrow: my first time selling vintage at a flea market!



we are bring homemade pizza wrapped in tin foil for lunch.
I hope that cats won't be too sad that their Sunday with Cat Dad doesn't happen this week.

I can't help but notice

just how FUCKED this country is. I mean, what the fuck is up with all these old white men who think women are stupid and need to be told what they are allowed to do with their bodies? It's fucking INFURIATING. Notice, please, that they are all republicans. So if you are voting republican, you are basically encouraging this.

I don't want to get political, but I just don't know how anyone with their RIGHT MIND can agree with the bullshit these assholes are spewing.

IN OTHER NEWS, we got word from our vet that he will no longer be practicing in the clinic we've been going to. He didn't say why, but I can imagine it's because the other doctor in the office (who owns it) seems like a villian from a Disney movie (props to Cat Dad for that description, which is eerily accurrate) and doesn't seem to have a kind bone in his body. I recently read the yelp reviews for the office and I was not surprised to find mostly bad reviews EXCEPT for the ones that were about our beloved Doc. Luckily he will be at a different office alternating Saturdays until he gets a permanent spot again, so he will still be able to see Roo. Also now that I know he has more time on his hands, maybe he will be willing, when IT needs to happen, to make the trip down to Quincy rather than us having to force her into a box and suffer a long car ride on the way to the end. I would like for the whole process to be as painless and easy as possible for all parties involved, and ultimately I think it would be good for Kiki, too. I think? I don't fucking know.

SIGH.

OH SHIT.

I am supposed to get drunk today, right? Since I am Irish and all that?

Okay good. I'm on it. Or I will be.

It's a little too much.

My emotions are running high, and I am feeling extremely anti-social. I remember these feelings, all too well. It's hard, but I am older so it should be easier, right?

I am trying to get stuff done. After all, the to-do list is never ending, but on these days off, I find myself stuck in this rut. The rut is the couch. Also, Charmed. Or some other mind numbing show that I can completely tune out to. In lieu of turning the set on yesterday, when I needed to stop thinking and moving, I sat on the bed and finally finished Michael Ian Black's new book (okay almost, I think I have half a chapter left) but when I got the chapter titled Nibbles, and read through it, I nearly lost it. I was definitely sobbing. So I put the book away for another day. I can't spend the days not at work sitting at home crying my face off, but at the same time, I can't pretend that I don't have these feelings, I can't pretend that I am not SO FUCKING SAD right now, because I am.

The thing is, I know I am a pain in the ass to deal with when I feel like this. I know because I have been told this by various people throughout my life, but also because I am a self-aware adult. Which is why the best thing I can do for my relationships is to keep to myself as much as possible, at least until everything plays out and we are all able to finally find peace.

And in the meantime, I need to locate my god damn rubber stamps and my black ink pad. Can someone tell me where I put them, because I have no idea.

Thankfully I have Childish Gambino to help get me through:


(that one is not explicit. The song is way better with the swears in it, obviously)



DAMN. I love him.

DAWGS

listen to this: best podcast ever

<3

SEATBELTS

Your Monday is my Tuesday, your Sunday is my Monday.

Yesterday I began to write a post, about how the cats and I came to be the family that we are. I had to stop, as I had a full day of bookstore-working to do, and Sundays are always busy, so there was not time for the tom-foolery of blogging. By the time I got home, I felt drained and defeated by the day, so much so that the only thing left to do was to eat leftovers while knitting and watching the X-files.

I don't know when I will get around to it now, maybe on Wednesday. I don't know if I even feel up to it. Obviously, I am sad. It seems now that I handle my sadness by getting angry instead. In the case of when me and my ex split up, that method worked wonders, or so I believed, in helping me work through the pain I was going through(along with bourbon. bourbon always helps) Anger can be a productive and useful emotion when channeled properly, as can sadness, but for so long I had a hard time channeling sadness into anything other than MORE sadness, so this diversion tactic I have created for myself has protected fairly well over the past ten years or so of my life. Unfortunately, it can't help me now. I can't be angry that my cats are getting old, I can't be angry that Roo is sick. Who am I supposed to be angry AT? Who is to blame? No one, nothing. So this sadness I am feeling, it's turning into anger, and without anywhere to properly aim it, it ends up spewing out all over. I can't be nice. I don't want to make small talk. I don't want to smile, or hear a joke, or listen to you tell me that everything is going to be okay and eventually she will be in a better place, we all will. You don't think I know that? Do you think I am an idiot? Because you better fucking believe that I am NOT. I know what's up. But just because I know does not mean I am not totally and completely heartbroken over this. It's just that I still need to get through the day-to-day: get up, go to work, pay the bills, be a grown up. I can't stay home and cry for a week (even though I might, I do have vacation days...) or drink myself into oblivion (I am doing my fair share, a slight variation on this). oh I KNOW there are so many other worse things happening in the world RIGHT at this very moment, but this is what I am dealing with in my life. And I must keep on keeping on. Thus, my bitch face will be ready at all times to deflect pleasant conversation. Move along, nothing to see here.

If only I could be a troll living alone. In a cave. In the woods

Blah blah blah blah.

their schedule

includes way more naps than I am willing to take.
(I do not like napping, but I do like being lazy while they nap.)

I AM TALKING ABOUT MY CATS.

One last thing for today

I am about to make chili and drink beer, but I want to share this again, because it's a special day, AMIRIGHT LADIES?

here's to having a vagina!

THE CATS

SMELL AWESOME TONIGHT!

(warm, windy day = open windows that cats sit in, leaving them smelling like laundry that was dried on a clothesline. weird, I know, since they usually smell like potatoes or bread)

just some quick thoughts

while I take a break from pricing tons of useless shit that no one needs:

- DUDES, IT'S WARM OUT TODAY. I know, this winter has basically been a joke, but I am sooooo ready to drink adult beverages on my back porch and check out the birds' tails while they chill in the rain gutter. TONIGHT I WILL DO THIS, so long as it's still above 55 degrees when I get home from work. MAYBE IT WILL BE 64 DEGREES. MAYBE I WILL DRINK BEER (instead of the bourbon that got me through this weird winter)

- thinking about making a real personal post on here, sort of explaining how I got where I am (33, catmom to two oldladycats, unmarried, unbabied, cohabiting with a dude who was graduating high school when I was graduating college, working in a bookstore, living in MA even though I never reallly wanted to, not using my degree AT ALL, etc etc etc etc) NOT THAT ANYONE REALLY CARES, NEEDS OR WANTS TO KNOW, but I feel like it would beneficial to ME, and isn't that what blogs are for? to feel SELF-IMPORTANT?

- rewatching The X-Files is AWESOME, it still scares me as much as it did when I was fifteen, and Mulder is still so so so hot to me. What can I say, I like when dudes believe in aliens, because after all, I am a fuckin' STARSEED. (if you don't know what a starseed is, see here)

- nothing helps with my sweaty pits, and also, I kinda smell. DEAL WITH IT. My cats really like it.

- ever since I met Michael Ian Black last Saturday, I can't listen to MATES without seeing his cute face and thinking that I wished I had followed through with my plan: to trip and fall, landing with my mouth on his mouth.

- Droppin' Clots has over 400 plays! I feel so much ladylove. I am working on my next song, but it may take a few months, so hang tight y'all

big plans that turn into no plans

That was yesterday. I thought I would get SOOOOOOOO much done, and I guess if watching two episodes of SVU whilst snuggling a cat is being productive, it was a successful day. I did get a lampshade, which we've needed since I broke a lamp a few weeks back, said lamp being replaced with a strange wooden dog lamp that was shadeless and irritating at night next to the bed. It's pretty fun to go into Lowes, a solitary lady, at 7:30 am. SO MUCH CUSTOMER SERVICE, every man wanted to help me. Including the older man who was positioned by the self-checkout, "I can help you checkout, Miss." DUDE I GOT IT, IT'S JUST ONE SMALL LAMPSHADE. I didn't say that, I was nicer than that, but he got the message. I did tell him to have a wonderful day, though, and he seemed to appreciate it.

Mostly my Wednesday was about quality time with the cats. It's what my days off are for, BUT I really need to do some major laundry & prep for the flea market, which is in two weeks. I am learning lately that I do a pretty terrible job at managing my time. I need to work on it before my time runs out. Starting tomorrow, I swear.

monday with a heavy heart

The kitty-coughing fit at 2:00 am this morning was longer than the nights' previous. Poor Roo. There is not much I can do when it's happen, put my hand on her fur and tell her she's fine, but we both know that's not true. When she finally stops and swallows it back, she comes right up to my face and purrs so hard, it breaks my heart every time.

She will let me know when she is ready, I am sure of it. And in the meantime, all I can do is enjoy her as much as possible.

Dealing with mortality fucking sucks.

Find the beauty in the pain.
Find the beauty in the pain.
Find the beauty in the pain.