Two recent shots of Kiki

Maybe I am biased, but I am pretty sure I have the prettiest cat in the world.

The baby gets a room.

We found an apartment. It's more than we wanted to spend but it's in our current neighborhood, has a screened in porch for Kiki, a garage, wood floors, and a room for the baby. It may actually be the same size our current place, just a different layout and bigger & nicer bathroom. Our tub here is deep but kind of short. The new tub will be big enough for a more pregnant me to take a proper bath. I am looking forward to that. This whole time of being pregnant, I didn't let myself think about decorating a nursery cause I imagined we wouldn't have one, so now that we do I can finally let myself get excited about that. Not that we will have much money to do anything with, but I bet we can make a cozy space for our tiny human without too much effort or spending.

Of course now comes the hectic pack & move process. The new place is so close to this one that I could walk to it in five minutes, if that, so I don't need to go crazy when I pack up the Pyrex. When we moved in here, we rented a truck, and the back of the truck was stacked with boxes and boxes of Pyrex. Maybe 18 meticulously packed boxes? A little crazy, I know. And since then I am pretty sure we've added more pieces to the collection. I realized last night that I could probably just use laundry baskets and linens, wrap the pyrex up in the sheets and blankets, and fill up the baskets. It will only take two minutes in the car and a trip up the stairs and BAM, it's done. We will have, at the least, three weeks to move, and up to 5 weeks depending on when the realtor gets our current place rented. So in the next three weeks, Trever will paint the new place, and I will attempt to thin out our belongings while I pack (but do not lift) boxes.

Of course I would like to start right away, but guess who has a cold again? THIS LADY. I feel like my fucking head is in a vice, and nothing will drain from my nose. I used my neti pot last night, and I did get some mucus to come out of my EYE.

I think Kiki is going to be pissed to move again, at first. The past year has been stressful on her: losing her sister, moving to a new place without her sister, us leaving her for a week in the new place after we moved in, and not having the freedom to go on a porch like she did at our old place. It has not be officially diagnosed in her, but I think she has feline hyperesthesia. I started thinking it after we went away for a night to our friends' wedding, and when we got back the next day, Kiki had a bald spot at the base of her tail on her back. She had lick herself bald! Since then, her fur has grown back, but it's a sensitive spot on her. All the other descriptions of feline hyperesthesia fit her. It's weird. When I read it the first time, I was stunned. THIS IS DESCRIBING MY CRAZY CAT. When I mentioned it to our vet, he didn't exactly listen. He knows I spend too much time googling cat info. It's diagnosed by testing for lots of other things and ruling them out, which means $$$$, something he knows we don't have a ton of. And she is fifteen years old so I am not crazy about running a battery of tests on her. The treatments for it are varied - a change in diet, increased exercise, anti-depressants. I don't want Kiki on Prozac. So we just live with and love our crazy cat.

Our new porch is fully screened in, and we will be able to leave our kitchen window open once it's warm enough so she will have access to an almost outdoor space all the time. I will make Trever put up a bird feeder. We will grow cat grass and cat nip and she will basically have a salad bar. I will spoil her rotten for as long as she lets me.

Let's hear it for sleepless nights!

Despite my exhaustion, the past few nights I've found myself not being able to sleep. My brain can't shut down. I sleep lightly when I do sleep, the slightest sound wakes me up. Last night it was the sound of Kiki throwing up a hairball, then just throwing up, a little food, a leaf, and some spit. Get up, clean the floor, make sure she doesn't have vom on her pretty fur, and then back to bed is the standard routine for 3 am cat barfs, which are a pretty regular part of our lives. The first warning cough from a cat's mouth can wake me from the deepest of sleeps, thanks for the couple of years with my sick Roo-cat. It's like a bat signal for me. We joke that Roo was just prepping us for what it will be like with a newborn. Luckily Kiki's are either hairballs or this weird vindictive way of getting me to wake up earlier than 5 am to feed her. "I am so hungry, look I am spitting up on the floor" and then it's MEOW MEOW MEOW PURRRRRR FEED ME. She never throws up in the daytime. It's only between 3 and 4 am. This morning though, instead of going back to bed, I went to lay on our tiny couch. Kiki joined me, and it's the only spot where she will actually lay ON me. In bed it's always next to me, in the crook of my arm, or on a pillow just at the tops of our heads. But on the couch, she will get right on me. Especially now. I think she likes the baby, (I hope she does) and it seems the baby likes her, for whenever she lays on my stomach and purrs, the kicks are more frequent. So either the baby is enjoying her, or maybe the baby hates her. Not that anyone could ever hate Kiki, it's impossible. I fell asleep for a half hour or so, scrunched in an uncomfortable position on the two seater couch, with Kiki asleep on my belly and an afghan half covering us, and it was probably the most peaceful thirty minutes of sleep I've had in a long time.

This morning is full of coffee and orange juice and attempting to be productive. Here I go.

(Last night I read about diapers and baby baths. It never ends.)

Curved, not short.

So the most recent verdict on my cervix is just that: curved, not short. Good news, folks. This means I can resume working forty hours a week as of next week.... just when I'd gotten used to the early days and spending my afternoons with Kiki! But really, it's a good thing, in terms of money.

I spent hours last night reading about strollers. WHO AM I? I don't even know. I have no idea how/why people choose what they do. I guess I will have to go a baby store and test drive some. All of this just feels so foreign to me. I am imagining myself with carseats and strollers and breast pumps, and it's like that scene in Overboard (THE BEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME) where she is shoving the raw bird in the pot on the stove top and trying to cram it's legs in, then burns herself trying to light the burner.

Obviously I am nervous & paranoid, probably more than I need to be. I mean, I babysat my niece when she was a little baby, and it was always fine. I never had problems with diaper changes or the car seat or the stroller. So I guess I should remind myself that I don't need worry too much about those things, and allow myself instead to worry about breast feeding and the act of giving birth.

I don't feel like talking about this anymore. It's on my mind all the time and quite frankly, I am boring myself.

I am going to pet my cat and feed her rabbit treats by hand because she is the original baby.

Try to be positive, I hear it helps.

Yesterday I got some news which threw us for a loop. It's not a health related, thankfully, but money related. Let's be clear here: we are not financially ready to have a baby. Seeing that we never thought I could physically get pregnant, it was something we didn't have to worry about. Just so long as we could pay our rent, pay our bills, feed ourselves, and buy Kiki's expensive prescription food, plus save a little, we were good. Then the pregnancy happens, and it all changes.

Somehow, six plus years ago when I signed up for my insurance and everything else, I didn't sign up for the short term disability plan. I guess because I was young(ish) with no family to worry about, or maybe just because I am stupid sometimes. Well, this poor decision means that I will have no money when I am on maternity leave. I didn't find out about this until yesterday, as the past few months I comforted myself with the thought that I would get twelve weeks of short term disability pay. I sat down with my boss yesterday to discuss things, I felt good, mostly, even when she gave me the numbers for how much my insurance will cost when I am not working (as I will have to pay the full amount) and had confidence that we would manage to get buy with less money.

Only a few minutes later she came to find me, to tell that our HR lady informed her that I never signed up for the short term disability. She obviously felt terrible telling me this. It felt like someone not only slapped me in the face but also punched me in the stomach, kicked me in the vagina, and proceeded to pummel my back when I was down. I put on my most brave-I-don't-care face and told her we would work it out somehow. Then I went back to my desk and cried.

By then my four hour work day was over, so I went to my car and cried more. Then I drove home, crying, and basically spent the whole night crying as well.

I woke up this morning with the worst headache of my life and no closer to figuring out how we will do this, but knowing that crying and crying about it isn't going to magically make money appear, so I should probably stop doing that. This is one of those times in life where thinking positively sounds like it could help, but it SO HARD TO DO. I know my mom will help us as much as she can. And I am looking into state health insurance for the baby (if I get the baby insurance through work, I am basically working only to pay for insurance and nothing else) but wading through the government websites is so tedious and confusing. Not something to do with a groggy snot-filled head a day after you've cried for over eight hours. I have a little while to sort out that part, anyways.

Now is one those times when I hate this country and it's fucked up backwards way of treating women, and people, in general. I would love to have universal healthcare and paid maternity leave. It would be worth it to pay more taxes to know that these services were always going to be there, that if you were sick you could see a doctor, that if you had a baby you wouldn't risk losing your job and your livelihood while you stayed at home with your newborn. Greatest country, my ass.

There's only so many options we have at this point. It's time for me to bite the bullet and start selling off some of my Pyrex collection (you've been waiting for me to do that, soon you will get your wish!) and getting serious about loading my Etsy shop up with all the treasures I've been hoarding. Making a real budget, doing meal plans, comparing grocery fliers are all things we will need to start doing seriously, not just every so often when we feel inspired. We don't go out to eat, we don't go to movies, we rarely do anything outside of the home that costs money, so we don't need to change that part of life too much, which is nice. We may see if we can stay here in this apartment awhile longer. It's too small for sure, but I just don't see how we will have the money to move, and it's not like the baby will know that it doesn't have a room anyways. I guess moving with a six month old will be just as annoying as moving when I am six months pregnant.

LOOK, I am not trying to be all woe is me. I know that people with way less have babies every day and make it work. And so will we. We have support of family and friends, and though we may have no money, we have a whole lot of LOVE, which is something that not everyone with a big house and fancy cars has. And LOVE is worth more than money, right?

At least I know our kid won't be spoil. See me, being positive??

(I regret buying that coat now but what's done is done. Oh, my boobs are still really fucking itchy.)

Just thought I would mention these things,

In case any of you care:

1. I am having, without a doubt, the worst gas of my life. I am so relieved that I am not taking the train to work anymore, as holding it in for an hour each way, while doable, was sort of stressful. When I am at home, I just let it go. I keep matches nearby. It's terrible, but also fun to dutch oven Kiki. (She doesn't mind at all.)

2. As of now, I am still do not need to go on bed rest. I have another appointment next week to check my progress. This is good news. Maybe I just have a Dynamic Cervix. (capitalized cause I think it would make a good title for a song or a poem, or maybe a band name.)

3. I broke down just after Christmas and ordered a coat. I used some of the money my sister gave us for Christmas. Trever was happy to use our gift this way, even though there were plenty of others ways for us to use it. My coat was not zipping up anymore, and we still have a few more month of weather to deal with. I spent hours upon hours looking at maternity coats online, and came to the conclusion that pregnant ladies apparently like to walk around in giant belted sleeping bags during the winter. NO THANKS. I've never liked those puffy coats, why would want to look even puffier now that I am already am? The non puffy coats are all cheaply made or too itchy or have some god awful belt. I just can't get down the belted coat look, sorry. And then I found this. It was more than I wanted to spend, that's for sure, especially with the added shipping, but then I got to thinking about it, and I realized that the only new coats I've ever owned were gifts that my sister got me. Everything else has been from the thrift store, and I have been 100% okay with that, but I am THIRTY FOUR FUCKING YEARS old and if I want to buy a coat that I don't fucking hate when I am pregnant, then I should be able to do it! SO I DID. (and since the money came from my sister, it's almost like she just bought me another coat.) It came yesterday. It's glorious! And I will definitely be able to wear it when I am NOT pregnant. It's lined, but not puffy or bulky at all. The hood is a little gnome-like, but I am okay with that. The color is awesome. The twill is soft. The lining is fleece, which I usually HATE, but this fleece is not that the kind that gives me chills all over my body and makes me want to grind my teeth and punch things. Of course this week is unusually warm and I don't need to wear it. Thanks, global warming.

4. My boobs are itchy.

And that's all I've got.

Edited to add: I just went back to April's posts and cried. I miss my Roo-cat every single god damn day. I am so grateful that we still have Kiki, and it's hard to imagine that I will ever be without her. Can we just name our baby KikiRoo? Or Rookiki? That wouldn't be that weird, right?

I learned a thing.

Did you know that you can have a short cervix? It's true. And I have one. We found out on New Years Eve. Way to ring in 2013!

What does this mean? That there is a higher chance of preterm labor. One in two, really. We spent too long googling things and getting upset. A few days later, I am in a little better frame of mind about it, mostly because I have to be.

I am taking progesterone, which will hopefully help. I am on pelvic rest (no orgasms.) My work schedule has been cut in half, which is nice for Kiki and bad for my checking account. I am trying to take it easy, but when I am supposed to be resting is when I feel like I need to do things. (Funny how that works, when I have a lot to do is when I want to do nothing.) I have some crappy Y/A books to read, and I have my laptop. There is always SVU when all else fails me.

At least it's cold out. Then I don't feel so annoyed about laying on my bed for hours at a time with Kiki sleeping like a fur lump next to me.

(oh the baby? The baby is doing great. Just gotta keep in there as long as possible.)