I had genuine happy feelings tonight.

Let's be real here. I'm a negative pessimist. Misanthropic. I keep a few close. The rest are people that exist in the ether. If we lived near each other, maybe we'd hang out. Hopefully. I'm not that great at keeping up with relationships in general. I get lazy with my friendships and then.. Well. The ones that stick, you know they count. Anyways.  The point is not about that. It's about tonight.

We took Hazel to the Edaville Railroad. It was magic. So many christmas lights. I loved it. I cried happy tears at the lights. I felt feelings that I couldn't control. It was awesome.

It's not that I don't feel things. But I'm a cold New Englander. I keep my feelings close. I keep my walls up. I'm loving in a practical way. I'll make sure you've got clean socks and a warm dinner. I'll make you a sandwich. I'm not mushy... maybe as a girl I was, but not as a lady. Not as a mother.

It catches me, though. Nostalgia is powerful. Add Christmas, and forget it. I can't control that shit. We pulled into the parking lot, and I saw all the lights, and I was done. Warm goo. Mush and heart eyes and fucking twinkly stars. All of it. We rode that slow train around in a loop and it was just magic. Hazel loved it. The whole thing. She walked around, smiled, pointed, wowweed. We took her to the gift shop and bought her some presents from Santa. We took her in the candy store and bought treats (for the car ride home, for mom & dad). We took goofy pictures.

It was all so good. So so good. I was overwhelmed by love and magic and feeling so fucking lucky that we were able to do this tonight. That we can create this cool memories for our daughter. To give her the warm feelings now that will make her nostalgic as an adult.

It's nice to feel those feelings. To feel so happy that I can't keep it at a distant from myself. I'm thankful.