Yesterday I got some news which threw us for a loop. It's not a health related, thankfully, but money related. Let's be clear here: we are not financially ready to have a baby. Seeing that we never thought I could physically get pregnant, it was something we didn't have to worry about. Just so long as we could pay our rent, pay our bills, feed ourselves, and buy Kiki's expensive prescription food, plus save a little, we were good. Then the pregnancy happens, and it all changes.
Somehow, six plus years ago when I signed up for my insurance and everything else, I didn't sign up for the short term disability plan. I guess because I was young(ish) with no family to worry about, or maybe just because I am stupid sometimes. Well, this poor decision means that I will have no money when I am on maternity leave. I didn't find out about this until yesterday, as the past few months I comforted myself with the thought that I would get twelve weeks of short term disability pay. I sat down with my boss yesterday to discuss things, I felt good, mostly, even when she gave me the numbers for how much my insurance will cost when I am not working (as I will have to pay the full amount) and had confidence that we would manage to get buy with less money.
Only a few minutes later she came to find me, to tell that our HR lady informed her that I never signed up for the short term disability. She obviously felt terrible telling me this. It felt like someone not only slapped me in the face but also punched me in the stomach, kicked me in the vagina, and proceeded to pummel my back when I was down. I put on my most brave-I-don't-care face and told her we would work it out somehow. Then I went back to my desk and cried.
By then my four hour work day was over, so I went to my car and cried more. Then I drove home, crying, and basically spent the whole night crying as well.
I woke up this morning with the worst headache of my life and no closer to figuring out how we will do this, but knowing that crying and crying about it isn't going to magically make money appear, so I should probably stop doing that. This is one of those times in life where thinking positively sounds like it could help, but it SO HARD TO DO. I know my mom will help us as much as she can. And I am looking into state health insurance for the baby (if I get the baby insurance through work, I am basically working only to pay for insurance and nothing else) but wading through the government websites is so tedious and confusing. Not something to do with a groggy snot-filled head a day after you've cried for over eight hours. I have a little while to sort out that part, anyways.
Now is one those times when I hate this country and it's fucked up backwards way of treating women, and people, in general. I would love to have universal healthcare and paid maternity leave. It would be worth it to pay more taxes to know that these services were always going to be there, that if you were sick you could see a doctor, that if you had a baby you wouldn't risk losing your job and your livelihood while you stayed at home with your newborn. Greatest country, my ass.
There's only so many options we have at this point. It's time for me to bite the bullet and start selling off some of my Pyrex collection (you've been waiting for me to do that, soon you will get your wish!) and getting serious about loading my Etsy shop up with all the treasures I've been hoarding. Making a real budget, doing meal plans, comparing grocery fliers are all things we will need to start doing seriously, not just every so often when we feel inspired. We don't go out to eat, we don't go to movies, we rarely do anything outside of the home that costs money, so we don't need to change that part of life too much, which is nice. We may see if we can stay here in this apartment awhile longer. It's too small for sure, but I just don't see how we will have the money to move, and it's not like the baby will know that it doesn't have a room anyways. I guess moving with a six month old will be just as annoying as moving when I am six months pregnant.
LOOK, I am not trying to be all woe is me. I know that people with way less have babies every day and make it work. And so will we. We have support of family and friends, and though we may have no money, we have a whole lot of LOVE, which is something that not everyone with a big house and fancy cars has. And LOVE is worth more than money, right?
At least I know our kid won't be spoil. See me, being positive??
(I regret buying that coat now but what's done is done. Oh, my boobs are still really fucking itchy.)
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